guys, i'm dying inside. and i can't come back.

i really can't survive this. all i want to do is lay in bed and cry.

and what's worst is that i can't talk about it. at all.

new

i love meeting new people. i'm very outgoing. and i've met two people that have changed my life, and i love it.

i lost two people that i thought were my best friends only to gain two new ones. Blake Stringer and Brooke Santos. i hate replacing people. i hate change. but i guess it's for the better. not speaking to Jon or Amanda anymore. and then there's Kyle...

yeah. that's right. another one. hah. i met this kid about four weeks ago. and he never ceases to amaze me. i went to six flags yesterday with blake, brooke, and kyle and it was nothing short of amazing. i like this feeling of security. i like feeling good about myself. and these people have taught me that if someone makes me feel like crap, they aren't really worth my time. they have taught me that i deserve a lot better than what i had. and you know what? i'm better off.

i'm happy where my life is at right now. it would be hella nice if i didn't have to take senior pictures today because i just want to go back to sleep, but it's whateva. i have had a great summer so far. it has been absolutely wonderful. even with the things that have gone wrong, there has been something to make up for it.

i'm taking pictures at 1:30 and then going to see two friends that i haven't seen in quite a long time. it will be awesome seeing them. and then i will probably go see kyle for a little bit. maybe see brooke at some point. because i have to fix her iPod again.

so many people are not approving of kyle, but you know what? i don't care. i have good judgement of people. and he is a great person. he has a past. and he learned from his mistakes. and he's fixing everything. he's a strong person. he makes me feel loved and strong. and he makes me feel safe. i couldn't stop smiling yesterday just because i was with him. so for those of you that don't like it, get over it. because nothing is gonna change how i feel for him. =]

other than that, not much has really happened lately. i got a henna tattoo on my ankle yesterday. it says "demon". hah i love it. but i have to go make myself pretty for my pictures.

.:me:.

it really sucks to be all alone in this world. to feel like no one is there for you.

when the only thing your parents care about is your grades.

fuck happiness, as long as you do your homework they're happy.

so this is what it's come to. me leaving. because i can't stand it here anymore. because if i stay here, i'm going to pick up all of my old habits. starting tonight. and if you don't like it. if it hurts you. then i suggest you leave me like everyone else has. just give up on me. because i'd rather be left alone anyway.

fuck it. i'm so done with this shit. all my mom has said to me today was about how much my slice of freedom costs and if i'd done my stupid damn german project yet. and you know what? no, i haven't done it yet. because i was trying to relax today. so i could get all of the damn stress that was caused by last night off of my back. but it's all back. and all i'm going to do now, is go downstairs and think. probably smoke and drink because those i can't avoid anymore. maybe punch myself or kick something solid. break a few bones. that's always a plus.

you guys wonder why i break down so often. i can't control it anymore. i'm done. my mom doesn't even give a shit. and she was the one that took me to the psych in the first place. so i'm done caring. if no one else sees that i'm breaking down too much, then i'm going to be alone in this situation. every god damn night this spring break. every fucking night.

thanks a lot, bitch. you're the worst parent i've ever had. so here's to you. drink it in and swallow it down. because i'm done being your kid. i'm done being anywhere near you. if all you care about is what's not important to me anymore, then i guess i'm not important to you. my happiness doesn't matter anymore. my freedome doesn't mean shit. and obviously me crying doesn't affect you. because i know you notice it. me disappearing every god damned day. me crying myself to sleep to night every fucking night. and do you do anything about it? of course not. you ask me if my fucking homework is done yet. yeah, don't say you understand if that's all you're going to do. fuck it. and fuck you. i'm done pretending. i'm done faking happiness. i'm done pretending i'm okay. i'm fucking done. so if i break down again, maybe someone will notice. and maybe someone will do me the pleasure of slapping me in the fucking face. because if no one does notice soon, i'm going to collapse.

all you kids out there say you're lonely because you don't have a significant other.

i'm lonely because i don't have that, friends, or family to turn to in my time of need. because i don't have a home. because there's not a single person i can think of to go to when i'm inches away from breakdown. when i'm inches away from never turning back again. because righ tnow, all i want to do is down myself in alcohol, smoke myself out of tomorrow, and never remember another day.

fuck you, life. i don't need you anymore.

take a picture

of what i looked like yesterday. of my old smile. because it's disappearing and will never be the same again. i can't stand it anymore. fuck it. i'm throwing in my strength towel. i can't do it alone. i can't do it. i really can't.

it's been too much lately. crying myself to sleep everynight so far for the past month. so my old therapists can say hello to me again. because i'm going back.

even though i really don't think my family has enough money for it. they can't afford my sessions. if i was put on meds again, we couldn't afford it.

but i don't know what else to do. i'm sick of being upset. i'm sick of being fucking depressed.

i'm done. i'm talking to my mom about it tomorrow. she understands. she doesn't want me to be like that again. and she sees that i'm turning back into it. so hopefully she'll take my side. and we'll figure something out. because i'm really done with being down all of the time. and not being able to express myself anymore. and being so out of it. i can't even describe it. and none of you can even begin to believe how much it hurts. outside and inside. wanting to shut down completely. not being able to breathe.

i'm going to need a backbone. i'm going to need support. and i can only hope at least some of you will be there for me. please. i need this.

screwing up my day

so i was sitting at the computer talking to my friends and being productive- you know, getting homework done and stuff. and i stood up real fast to go tell my mom something. and i tripped on a huge ass binder (that has really sharp corners on it, might i add)


so i tripped on this binder and fell on the ground and my foot really hurt and i'm thinking, okay, this sucks, i bet i just broke my toe. shit. but not that big of a deal.


so i walk to my mom and tell her what i had to tell her and then walk back to the computer. my foot was REALLY hurting, so i look at it and look, oh shit. there's a fucking hole between my pinky toe and my other toe.



so apparentley i kicked this fucking binder and the corner just kinda decided to punch a hole in my foot. so of course i TOTALLY freaked out. cause well, there's a centimeter deep hole in my foot. and i stormed into the bathroom even though my sister had just got out of the shower and was still getting dressed. and i'm crying and screaming and spazzing out. you see, i really hate doctors and stitches and all that shit. so will i be getting any? that's a definite negative. so now, instead of doing homework and being productive, i am watching 10 things i hate about you with my foot up so that all of the blood will run out of it. and my mom is going to get some stuff to put between them besides gauze, cause well, i can't put neosporin on it cause it's so deep.



fuck that shit. it hurts like hell. i was so looking forward to sarah's party and going shopping and BLAH. eff that!!! i'm still gonna do that. i'm just waiting until my foot goes completely numb. and then maybe i'll figure out how the hell i'm going to finish all of this work that is due tuesday and wednesday.


eff it. i'm going to fail APUSH. end of story.


anyway, that is about how my day has been. yeah. SUCKAGE. fuck it, yo.

MAJOR EDIT:

so we decided that it was not a corner of the binder that went into my foot, my pinky toe got pulled back so far, it tore the skin between my toes. ain't that gruesome? yeah. that's what i thought. so sorry katrina, i won't be marching anytime soon.

FUCK